Dear MARKLASER,
I know I gave you a stupid name, but it needed to be descriptive of where you live and how you work. I didn’t want to call you Phaser7400DN even though that is your given name because quite frankly, that’s too much. Too many numbers mixed in with the letters. I know that I was silly to think that my temporary fix of installing you with your non-static IP address until I got the static IP from NetworkGuy was anything but a futile plan. But I needed the instant gratification of printing to you, instead of having to transfer my file to another computer and print to the printer down the hall. You worked so well then that I thought I had gotten away with something. However, now that I have reinstalled you with your proper, static, permanent IP address [which matches that which you wear proudly emblazoned on your digital screen] you are behaving like a complete and total dick. You refuse to talk to my computer and have frozen me out. Why do you have to be like that? What did I do to make you so angry that you refuse to print, instead sending my jobs back at me with a glaring “communication error”? You may resent that I had to delete you. I apologize. I’d like to be friends. Please.

Love,
TheBon